Domestic abuse
Counselling for domestic abuse
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What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is physical, sexual, psychological or financial abuse that takes place within a family-type relationship and forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. Domestic abuse may, and often does, include a range of abusive behaviours that come from the abuser's desire for power and control over their family members or intimate partners.
Types of domestic abuse
Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.
- Criticism and verbal abuse such as shouting, accusing, name calling, mocking and verbal threats.
- Pressure strategies: sulking, threatening to with hold money unless you comply with demands, threats to commit suicide, lying to friends and family about you.
- Breaking trust: lying to you, having other relationships.
- Isolation: telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
- Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your emails or post, checking to see who has telephoned you.
- Threats: using physical size to intimidate, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you.
- Sexual violence: using threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex.
- Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, kicking, pushing, and shoving.
- Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.
- Disrespect: putting you down in front of other people, not responding to you when you talk, taking money from your wallet/purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Who is responsible for the violence?
The abuser is always responsible for their behaviour. "Blaming the victim" is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of their pattern and is in itself abusive.
Bibliotherapy for domestic abuse
Bibliotherapy refers to book therapy or a list of books that may be helpful in understanding a problem. There is wealth of books out there and it can be overwhelming deciding which ones will be most useful. Lewis Psychology CIC counsellors regularly recommend reading materials to counselling clients. Below we have listed a book that our clients have found most useful.
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
Domestic abuse and couple counselling
Domestic abuse is not a suitable subject for couple counselling. Couple counselling is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can't accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn't respect the other and strivers to avoid equality.
Domestic abuse and individual counselling
Individual counselling helps you take time out from your situation and see it from a fresh perspective. Working with a counsellor gives you a chance to think about what you can do to change your situation for the better. It can also give you a chance to explore complex or difficult issues in a safe and confidential environment. Counselling can also help you to:
- Identify the early warning signs of abuse
- Identify if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
- Find strategies to leave a relationship safely
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